Murderer
by Komikron
Summary: Never before, Ken had told anybody the full story of what happened on the day of his brother's accident.


**Komi:** Oh, hi there. It's been years since I last used my account here. In fact, the last story I uploaded is from 2006 (and I think I know why this is; the formatting is still as horrible as it used to be), and the last time I wrote Digimon-fanfiction was in 2002 or '03. That's quite a while, isn't it? I've gotten back into the fandom over the course of the summer (although having watched Xros Wars right from the start last year) and as Ken has always been my favorite character, the story revolving around him holds a kind of fascination for me. Especially now that I'm older and better able to grasp what exactly happened – although it's all still kinda messed up thanks to the anime not corresponding fully with the Tag Tamers game which doesn't fully correspond with the anime and so forth…  
>Anyway, I think there are quite some views on what happened to Ken's brother, what the course of this car accident was and so on, and this is my own take on it. Maybe not too individual, but I tried to make it as coherent as possible. This one was flowing around in my head for quite a while…<br>As you can see, I use Japanese terminology and names, and the Japanese way of listing last and first names. I am a student of Japanese, after all. Just mentioning this in case somebody gets confused.  
>Well, I hope you enjoy my writings nonetheless!<p>

I am a murderer.  
>There is nothing I can say in my defense.<p>

I know what you are going to say now, that it wasn't my fault, but it was. You weren't there at that time, you have no idea what happened. I killed him. If it wasn't me, he would still be here.

You see, when I was younger, there used to be a small supermarket over there. It's not very far away from the mansion we live in, and sometimes Mama would send my brother there to get something she forgot to buy.  
>I haven't been here since then.<p>

The day she asked him to go there for the very last time was a hot summer day in August. For some reason, she had thought it was a good idea to send not only my brother, but also me. I remember I had just recovered from the sickness after visiting the Digital World for the very first time, and I guess Mama must have noticed that the relationship between my brother and me had been worse than ever since then. I think she wanted us to get along better, somehow.  
>I wish I never had gone along.<p>

I remember everything of that day four years ago. Every minute, every detail. Sometimes, all these little details come to haunt me at night, one after another or all together, as if I was thrown back in time, to that summer day.  
>I remember how hot it was in the streets. I remember how slowly I walked because I was still a bit weak from recovering, and Osamu held my hand. Or rather, he dragged me after him, for some reason he was annoyed and wanted to get over with this little shopping trip as quickly as possible.<br>I don't know if I had been the source of his annoyance. I will never know.

We walked along the street, and when I had eventually managed to catch up with his pace, Osamu's expression suddenly changed. For the whole way until here, he had not really looked at me once, like I wasn't there. Like an addition.  
>But then he looked at me, the same way he was always looking down on me when lecturing or scolding me. I think no other boy of his age would have looked at others like that, but then again, my brother had never been like other boys. His gaze fell upon me for only a brief second before his attention returned to the irrelevant nothingness before us.<p>

I remember how he spoke to me, I remember his voice. Every little aspect of it.  
>"Ken, I don't want you to hang around with that Akiyama anymore."<br>I did not really understand. Osamu didn't even wait for me voicing my confusion, he just continued. "It's obvious that he's teaching you some nonsensical stuff. All you've been talking about lately were those monsters you two have made up. You even went through my things!"  
>While he had sounded rather calm before, his full annoyance had now made its way to the surface, and when I tried to say something about this, it only made things worse.<br>"B-but Wormmon said the Digivice is mine…"  
>"There you go again!" He was almost shouting at me now. I saw people staring at us when I dared to have a quick look around. He crossed his arms before his chest, visibly trying to calm down a bit. Still, it was scary how he was looking down onto me. "That thing came from my computer, right? As long as we don't know what it is, it's mine, got that?"<br>"I know what it is", I replied, "I told you what it does."  
>Osamu shook his head, as if he didn't believe me. His voice dropped and I might be mistaken, but I think he looked a bit sad for a moment. At least his face visibly changed. "Of course… a digital world with monsters, Chosen Children and all. Sure…"<p>

Even today, I can't really tell what he wanted to imply, what he was thinking at that moment. I wished I could.  
>There was silence between us for a moment, then he spoke up again.<br>"Well, whatever happened, you were ill afterwards. Mama, Papa, I… everybody was worried about you! Ryo has no sense of responsibility at all, I don't want something like that happen to you again."  
>"It's not Ryo's fault!"<br>I don't know why, but I suddenly felt the urge to rebel. It was a rather childish kind of rebellion, but then again, I was nine years old…  
>My brother wasn't very happy about that. I think it was the first and last time I spoke up to him.<br>"I went there on my own will! The Digital World is real, Wormmon, V-mon, everything!"  
>"Ken, stop that!"<br>I remember I was about to cry, that helpless feeling. Like nobody in the world would want to believe you.

Then I did the stupidest thing I could have done. I could slap myself for having reacted like that.

I turned around and ran.  
>To be precise, I ran across the street. My eyes were full of tears, I couldn't really see anything, and yet I ran. I didn't want to discuss this with him anymore.<br>"You idiot! I'm going home!"  
>Once again, I wished he would just vanish, just drop down on the spot and die.<p>

As you can see, this is not an extremely busy street. It wasn't at that time, either. But there are enough cars driving around to pose a threat to a little boy that blindly runs towards the other sidewalk.  
>The last thing I ever heard from my brother was how he called my name. He shouted after me, that I shouldn't run over the street just like that, that it's dangerous. I ignored him. I reached the other side of the street and didn't intent to turn around and look after him.<p>

I only did so when I suddenly heard the sound of screeching tires.  
>And then I saw that shoe before me. His shoe.<p>

From now on, I'm not so sure about the correct order of events. Everything happened so quickly.  
>Even before I could react to the scene before me, somebody pulled me away. A woman turned me around, so that I couldn't see the street anymore, she probably didn't want me to see what had happened. I don't know if she realized I was Osamu's brother.<br>I heard voices from the people around. Somebody cursed, I think it was the car's driver. Another person recognized my brother as the genius boy Ichijouji Osamu and suggested to call our parents.

I struggled to get out of the grip of that old woman while she held me firmly, talked to me, although I don't know what exactly she said.

The ambulance came quickly and people seemed to calm down a bit. I managed to break free from that old woman's caressing, but when I turned, I didn't see my brother anywhere.  
>Just the car with a visible dent in its front, and Osamu's shoe still near to my feet. I stared at that car like it was a monster. In fact, it <em>was<em> a monster. I still think it is one.  
>Then I saw the blood. It was not much, just a relatively small stain on the asphalt, but it was enough for me to understand even with just nine years what had happened. My brother was gone.<p>

Instead, there was this blood. Ambulance men had gathered around one spot that I couldn't really see, but I think it was where Osamu was then.

Then, our parents arrived.  
>I didn't see them at first, the woman had caught me in her arms again. I struggled hard against her grip, but never won. I heard my mother cry out, screaming Osamu's name over and over again. I looked up and saw Papa having a hard time trying to calm her down; he too was visibly fighting his shock and pain from seeing his son like that.<br>When the ambulance doors were closed and the vehicle drove off to the nearest hospital, my mother collapsed on the street. The woman had let off me, but I didn't run to my parents or anything. I couldn't move at all. I just stared.

My brother did not make it to the hospital.  
>He died on the way, from the severe craniocerebral and other internal injuries he had received in that accident. The car had been much too fast.<br>I never saw my brother again.

Motomiya Daisuke swallowed hard and struggled for words. None that popped up in his head seemed appropriate for the situation. He closely watched his friend Ken, who seemed to just stare at the street, the point where it supposedly had happened.  
>Daisuke had roughly known before what had happened to Ken's older brother; he had read a few newspaper articles and reports on the topic in online archives, but he had never heard the story from an eye witness, let alone from the victim's relative.<br>A knot formed in Daisuke's throat. He felt helpless.

He heard Ken inhale deeply, followed by a voice.  
>"Ken, you're hurting me…"<br>The blue-haired boy startled, as if he had just awoken from a dream. A bad dream, Daisuke thought.

While telling his story, Ken had at some point picked up Wormmon and had since then held his partner closely in his arms, as if to steady himself. He must have subconsciously tightened that embrace too much.  
>"I'm sorry, Wormmon…"<p>

Ken forced a smile towards his Digimon partner and when he looked up again and turned to Daisuke, the auburn-haired boy finally found something to say.

"It's not your fault. Everybody knows that."  
>Ken's expression changed again, his features hardened. The piercing blue eyes of his seemed to directly stare into Daisuke's soul for a moment, as if trying to reach the very core of the boy's existence, before they became different again and told of nothing else but guilt and sadness.<br>"It is. It was me who wished to see him dead, all the time. I was the one to run away and he just followed me. I killed my brother."

It started to rain.  
>"That's not true!", Daisuke shouted at his friend. "You said the car was too fast – it's the stupid driver's fault!" Again, the gogglehead lost ideas of what to say and just smacked his lips. But was there even more to say?<br>Silence fell between the two. Daisuke noticed a small spot on the sidewalk and could not help but imagining Ichijouji Osamu's shoe there. He swallowed hard and looked up again, saw how Ken's straight hair slowly became partially frizzy due to the humid air. He noticed how the raindrops got bigger.  
>Ken's gaze had long left Daisuke and it seemed now as if he would stare into nothingness. It was not the first time this happened, Daisuke knew that his friend had moments like this from time to time. Moments where he seemingly escaped into the innermost corner of himself, trying to shun out everything that would fall down onto him that moment. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it did not, but every time he witnessed this transgression, Daisuke felt as if Ken's mind had wandered off to some other world, with nobody else inside but himself.<p>

Some more silent minutes passed, Daisuke was unsure what to do.  
>"Ken…", Wormmon then started, "you'll catch a cold if you stay in the rain just like that…"<br>Only slowly seemed Wormmon's words to reach his partner. The blue haired boy blinked, again as if awakening from a dream. When he spoke, the sound of the rain, and the cars that drove through the wet street made it almost impossible to hear his voice.  
>"Sometimes, he comes to me at night. To remind me of what has happened." Another pause.<br>"I wished I could turn back the time."

"Goddamnit", Daisuke snapped, inhaled with audible annoyance and did the only thing that came to his mind, no matter if it would improve the situation or not – he took a step forward and pulled Ken into a tight embrace.  
>Worrmon jumped out of the way into a small hedge next to the boys just in time and watched the two. He had supposed Ken would struggle against this hug somehow, but the Chosen Child just let Daisuke have his way, listened to him almost lifelessly.<br>"I thought we were through with this already. You can't change what happened in the past, Ken, nor can you bring back lost ones. Endlessly blaming yourself doesn't help. The only thing you can do is to live with what has happened, and live in a way that would make those proud you had to leave behind."  
>Daisuke felt the eyes of passing people staring right at him and Ken, at the two teenagers hugging in the rain. He did not care.<br>"I know you can do that. You've shown us all that you can. You being here with me, with us, that's the proof."

Slowly, Ken lifted his arms and brought them together on Daisuke's back. "I'm sorry", he whispered.

Daisuke pushed away a bit to look into Ken's face. He smiled his biggest grin.  
>"It's okay. I know that from you already, don't I? Although I must admit I think it's a bit childish sometimes…"<br>Suddenly, Ken could not help but smile. "Childish…? Says you of all people!" Daisuke freed Ken of the embrace, took a step back and laughed. "Aw, come on – that was a joke, a joke!" Ken sighed, but it did not sound sad anymore. "I know." When he made a step into Daisuke's direction, his friend used the opportunity to grab his wrist and pulled him into a certain direction.  
>"It's getting cold in that damn rain, don't you think? Let's get to your place, it's near anyway!"<br>Ken nodded. "I'm sure Mama will make some tea for us."

From inside the hedge, Wormmon watched the two as they hurried along the street into the direction of that very familiar mansion. He saw how Daisuke let go of Ken's wrist and took his hand instead. He felt relieved. Ken would probably never forget that day, he would always feel as if he had at least some kind of responsibility for the accident, but at least he had somebody who was so good at helping him to live with it.  
>Wormmon knew that Ken trusted his Digimon partner to find his own way back home.<p> 


End file.
